Well... it's Saturday.

Today wasn't the best day in the world. Let me start with the begining.

So I woke up... went to the bathroom... then I went on the computer...
Beleive me, that was the good part of the day.

Logged on to MSN, AIM, and Yahoo. Automatically I saw that my friend Sarah was online, so I messeged her. She told me the story of how she got home for Thanksgiving, and how she and a guy she likes drove her to the train station. It was a good story Made me laugh at some parts hah.

Then I noticed Andy was online... So I say to Sarah, "You know, I never asked him that question about masterbation."
So she's all like, "Do it hahahaha jk dont." or something like that.
So I go to Andy, I'm all like, "Hey Andy, are you on MSN?"
He goes, "Yeah."
"My friend Sarah wants to talk to you."
So Sarah was all like, "YOU SET ME UP! NOW I HAVE TO ASK!"
I started laughing to death, I swear, my face turned a bright purple, because she kept sending me what they were saying hahaha.

I'm sooo jelious. lol.

So Ian messeges me soon after, and he's all like, "Eww I saw that thread with 'ugly'" I'm all like,
"What?"
"Andy"
"Thats rude, and he's not ugly, he's actually really cute."
So he started arguing with me. For some reason I'm starting to hate Ian more and more everyday.

Then I had such a GAVIN moment with Andy. I messege him...
"Relieve me from my boredom."
He says,
"Releive me from life."
Then he goes away.

I'm sitting here like wtf just happend?

So He's typing something up, and leaves all these messeges about how he wants to kill himself.

I'm like. OKAY WE NEED TO TALK NOW.
He's like, "I don't feel like talking."
I said, "I don't care if you don't I feel like you do."
I said something long to him that I don't remember, but at the end I'm all like, "I'm done talking to you."
Then he was all like, "I can't tell you anything because there is only two people that i can talk to about this kind of thing, and only one of them can help. plus i have this feeling about... well i dont like feeling."

It's like... okay open up more please.

I'm all like, "Well you should be able to add one more to the two, which would be me, because i'm always here, and you never know if I can help."

And then he signed off.
I swear to god... it was such a Gavin moment.
It finally kicked in those werent the exact words he said about the feeling, but I think I knew what he was talking about.

He's love struck... not by me... by someone else. I know he likes someone. When I told him I liked him a while back, and then I said I wasnt sure entirely, he said not to like him, because he hates the feeling of love, and he hates the feeling of someone liking him.

Yet... I just re read it...
I think it's about me.
OMG. Thats why he didn't want to talk about it to me... I think... I dunno...

... things are always fucked up... like when you love a girl who always cries she's lonly, yet when you offer her someone to take her away from that she denies you and cries harder about how no one will ever like her. Life is also painful in a sense of how friends act twords freids... like when a girl is mad at a friend for being friends with someone she hates, and her friend is trying to get her to forgive him... when who they really need to forgive is eachother...

thats what it said... but yet... I don't think it's about me... thats what is messed up. I mean, yeah I act like that sometimes, and I push him away, but that could be common... and the thing about friends... its like Gavin and I...

but no.

that would be weird
very WERID

When it kicked in... I cried. I mean, they just rolled down, it was just tears of, "WTF did I do?" and it's like, "OMG I just wanted to tell him I felt for him, and now what?"

So that was a no.

And I sobbed... they just rolled down, no sound came out, I wasn't bawling... not crying, they just leaked from my eyes. It was emotionless.

My eyes they burn... with tears that want to break out, and I'm trying to be strong.

What did I do?
Was it about me?

I feel like it was, and I feel like... I dunno... Maybe it was about someone else that he likes.



I'm lost.
And sad.
Depressed more like it.

I wrote about 3 or 4 poems yesterday, that I couldn't even finish... it's like, how do you end something like how i feel about him, when I just met him? It's nearly impossible for me...
I drew a picture, and I looked at it with more love then I looked at anything. It was just a heart with words I wish I could say and belt out... and I can't. I just looked at it, suprised I wrote it about someone I hardly know anything about.

So I sighed... put it all away.

Today after that, I went in my room, sighed again, and took out all past poems... found so many about Gavin... it wasn't even funny. I started to cry again... why? This seems to happen a lot... I'm lost in the middle of an island and I don't have anyone or anything I want. Its not a feeling of need, its a feeling of want.
I always say, "I never feel for anyone like I feel for him" but it's the fact that I say it all the time. Then I sit there, and I'm thinking, "I don't like Andy... we are just soppost to be friends."
So i'm sitting looking out the window, and wouldn't you figure? It rains. So ironic, and I cry because you know? Its welcoming, and I need it. I havent cried like that in so long, not since a long long time ago.

Then you know the most random thought that comes to mind?
Gavin.
Not that random... but the thought of how our frienship went down the drain...
It started with a fight about trust
I started it
I messeged him and told him i'm sorry
we lost trust
we kept losing trust until he told me it was enough and we stopped talking to each other

and i'm like, i dont want that to happen to Andy...

For some reason, I have this feeling he likes me,
but i have a feeling maybe he doesn't.

I think I need help... someone to ask him what he feels...
I mean, not just...
OMG SARAH DO YOU LIKE HER?
No not like that like...
So, Sarah... what do you think about her?

Something like that, and just CASUALLY in the conversation... start talking about how its a nice day or something, or talk about someone you like, and then talk to Andy and be like... "Andy... what do you think of Sarah?"

So... since there is only one person that reads my blogs...
*cough Bacon/Sarah cough*
Um...
That would be REALLY nice of you, and I'd be really greatful...
but I dunno.

It's like, I wanna know SOOOO bad, but I have a feeling, if I know, something will be ruined. And it's like, I know, wait, but i dont want to, but i do. I dont know.
Its like, I still want him to be asked...
and if he doesnt like me, then you should tell me...
and if he does, then you should tell me too.

Because I'd really like to know. I'm littereally dying with wanting to know.

So...
I'm gonna go now. I can't write anymore without sobbing again.

Peace.
~Sarah